Sunday, October 4, 2009

A letter from the government

(See the label 'humour'. I'll be really shit scared if I got this in my mail, but in case you're a civil/public servant reading this, that doesn't mean you should be writing this.)

Ref no. xxx-xxxx-xx

Dear Mr Ho Chi Sam,

1. On behalf of the government, I would like to tell you to fuck off.

2. Your incessant pestering of civil and public servants, as well as personnel in greater positions of authority have compelled us to blacklist you forever. This includes ignoring every complaint or feedback that you produce via email, phone and snailmail. Your email addresses (xxx@gmail.com, xxx@hotmail.com, xxx@yahoo.com and xxx@yahoo.com.sg) are hereby blocked. All calls from your phone line (6xxx-xxxx, 9xxx-xxxx) to government numbers will also be blocked. And any letters from you addressed to government officials will be taken out of the postbox and shredded immediately.

3. Your blacklisting will be with immediately effect, and we will make sure that you will never get a job with the government or any government-related organisations. We will tell the CEOs and boards of directors not to hire you.

4. In the event you wish to speak to the media to air your grievance, we will ensure the relevant and proper censorship to protect our image. On top of that, we will ensure the media portrays you as a psychopath.

5. We believe that you have abused the "no closed/wrong door" policy of the government, and jumped the chain of command too often for our liking. We do not take too kindly to the exposure of the inefficiencies, irrationalities, the lack of transparency and the lack of compassion of the government.

6. Since you expose the government as uncompromising, we will not be held responsible for any intimidation or inconvenience or accident that you or your loved ones may or will encounter for the rest of your stay in this country. We will also not be held responsible if your children are blacklisted too and deprived of kindergarten education.

7. We will ensure that you are financially crippled to the point you are unable to speak up any way. We will also do many things to you that will make you wish you were dead, and there will be nothing you can do about it.

8. We will also intercept any cable signal to your home, so you will have to watch your weekend football matches in black and white grainy visuals. We will also rain sludge outside your kitchen window, so you will never be able to hang your clothes out to dry, and your neighbours will hate you so much they will splash bucketloads of urine and faeces at your door.

9. Since you have long expressed that replies from the government offer no definite help, specific explanations and no proper answers to all the questions posed, we have finally taken that feedback into consideration and changed our communications policy.

10. Therefore, we would like to say a big "FUCK YOU" to you. We're not obliged to answer every question. We see what we want to see. Your feedback doesn't matter, neither do your complaints. NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH NEEEEEEHHHHHHH..... PFFFTTTTTTTTZZZZZZ

11. We thank you for your feedback and support of the government.

__|__ HERE'S A BIRDIE FOR YOU, SPECIALLY FLIPPED BY MINISTER OF STATE FOR xxx __|__
Minister of xxx will also like to give you a lanjiao 8==D because he thinks you are a dick.
Minister of xxx wants to say you are a neh neh pok (.)(.)
Senior Minister for xxx says you are a chao chee bye (v)~ ~

This is a computer-general mail. No signature is required.

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