Friday, January 11, 2008

Goodness Gracious Singapore! - The adventures of Su the Gracious Rat

Lee Kuan Yew said Singapore isn't going to be a gracious society, at least not for the time being.

Maybe being ungracious is an inherent thing, inborn, in the genes.

Some will argue that this is being ungracious is a choice, a lifestyle some people determine for themselves. And perhaps the presence of ungracious people affects and influences our impressionable children.

Maybe some champion of public graciousness like say, in the mould of a person like George Lim Heng Chye, will probably say, "I am a gracious man, married to a gracious woman and we have four gracious children. We believe that the right upbringing by parents will prevent improper and deviant future behaviours... Graciousness is absolute." (to know more, see the classic forum letter written by the man of the same name, published on July 15, 2003)

Apart from Singa the Courtesy Lion, maybe we should have Su the Gracious Rat. I name him/her Su because it is mouse/rat in Mandarin, I think. Moreover it is the year of the rat in the Chinese Lunar Calendar. And furthermore, Mandarin, as part of an encouraged bilingual culture, has been the in-thing for some people and institutions.

Su the Gracious Rat, will be light brown in colour, an aggregate/mix of all the skin colours that reside in Singapore. Su also speaks four languages, English, Mandarin, Bahasa Melayu (or Bahasa Malaysia to our neighbours) and Tamil (a language some Singaporeans unfortunately associate with all ethnic Indians in Singapore. There are a huge variety of Indian dialects, by the way.).

In line with children-friendly pop culture (see Ratatouille), Su the Gracious Rat is able to cook all the popular dishes from all ethnicities. Probably the talents of Su the Gracious Rat is a distraction from his/her/its sexuality, which may come in handy in the future when sexual minorities are properly integrated in our society.

Su the Gracious Rat will be the new face of the Singapore Graciousness Movement. To appeal to the heartlanders, Su the Gracious Rat will be flanked by celebrity auntie-killers, as well as a bevy of ladies, called the Singapore Graciousness Girls, or SG Girls. As a cuddly, androgynous, recognisable icon, Su the Gracious Rat will eradicate the plague (pun intended) of ungraciousness in Singapore.

"Be gracious or I will give you RBF!"

To reach out to the youth, Su the Gracious Rat will join forces with the young Members of Parliament and do a hip-hop routine.

One day, Su the Gracious Rat and Singa the Courtesy Lion will join forces, a marriage of graciousness and courtesy. In light of the declining birth rates, both mascots will kill two birds with one stone by producing children from their marriage, maybe two, or three, or four if they could afford it. But they CAN afford it since they are gracious and courteous, and they would like to project a good impression that being gracious and courteous will bring you better rewards.

Of coures, the idea of Su and Singa producing children may not appeal to some, so we might anticipate more speeches in Parliament to liken that occurrence to shoving a straw up one's nose to drink.

Su the Gracious Rat will definitely be as omnipresent as Singa the Courtesy Lion, or Lee Kuan Yew, owing to the well-oiled publicity machine the government has developed itself into. Su the Gracious Rat will also be decked in army fatigue to teach graciousness in the army. A simple "Please don't dunk the guy's head in the water for too long" from the cute furry creature will touch and possibly melt the hearts of most of the officers in the force.

The nationality of Su the Gracious Rat will be "non-Singaporean born Singaporean PR", so as to drive the message home that Singapore welcomes foreign talents. "Don't be mean to foreign talents. You hurt Su's feelings. Su feeling saaaad..." Su will say each time one Singaporean Chinese refers to a mainland Chinese person as "that PRC fella" or the construction worker from Bangledash "that bangla!".

Su the Gracious Rat reasons, "Don't hate us foreigners and PRs! We share the same place. Be gracious. I am here to improve your economy, because as a foreigner, I am more creative."

Singaporeans will learn to graciously tolerate and accept Su the Gracious Rat, who is androgynous, possibly bisexual, and his/her/its "alternative lifestyle", because his/her/its creative talents are integral to our economic survival.

Su the Gracious Rat, given its high profile and lovable-ness/lovability (is there such a word?), may join forces with Goh Chok Tong and aid the PAP candidates to contest for opposition wards, Potong Pasir and Hougang, during the General Elections. "Su will give all of you $500 million dollars worth of upgrades and we will begin by building a $499 million clock tower so you all will know it's time to be a gracious society! Su loves you...".

Su the Gracious Rat, will probably hammer the final nail in the coffin of all political opposition with sound-bytes such as, "Singapore rebels are not gracious. They don't want to give Su a huuuug..." and "Don't take sexy photos of your maid. That breaks Su's heart."

Su the Gracious Rat will be eternally engraved in the hearts of Singaporeans, and rise to power. In disputes with Malaysia, involving water supply and lighthouses, Su the Gracious Rat will intervene and speak on behalf of the Singapore, "Let's not fight. You make Su saaad. Singapore wants to be your friend. We are gracious." If that is met with a less than favourable response from the other side, Su the Gracious Rat, being the naturalised Singaporean, and also not one to be messed with, says "You make Su mad. Su give you the finger (*shows finger). Let's go home boys."

Don't you just love Su the Gracious Rat? Sure to be a hit, bigger than Singa the Courtesy Lion.


Nasri Jams said...

i'm nas, from singapore and i'm from rp. currently my school is having a forum on the topic of singaporean youths lacking graciousness, and ur rant on this, is really a good help for me as reference, thank you!

Sam Ho said...

hi nas,

no problem. thanks for reading. it's not a serious piece any way, as it's about political lampooning and parodying.

Peg-Z said...

Hi Sam, it's REALLY FUNNY! Good piece!